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Friday, March 02, 2007 at 1:00 AM
1freakingam :(

i dunno anything anymore; zero confidence; empty shell - me

13 hours to exam release
i tink i am going crazy
been trying to sleep
but cant :(
haix

its that kind of feeling
whereby u wanted so much to believe that its wun be as bad
but u will still have that nitty feeling that things will jux turn out wrong
damn the irony
i feel lousy~
rawr*

i tried putting a brave front
but the truth is
i dunno how to face everything tml
its will be the day when i either live up or let down all's expectations
it will be a day when everything will fall in place
cox its when i can truly plan for my next path in life
to university
or to retake
to enter school
or take as private and work part-time
to jux give up on studying
and focus on courses like dance, singing, instruments
but still
wad i truly wan is still to go university
at least i wun be a disappointment
to my parents


its sux
cox when u noe u tried ur best
but theres no results
cox u noe that u have given ur all
but nobody can see or acknowledge them
jux becox ur grades nv show
sometimes
i will ask myself questions like 'have i really, really tried my best??'
and as time passes and grades fails me
my self esteem went down to nothing
subconciously i tink i gave up le
as much as i tried to stand up
i fell even harder
in the end
i doubt that i ever tried my best
i even have to ask people if they see my efforts
cox i am even doubting myself
wth

yupx
this is me
the me who got afraid
afraid of failing
its like a phobia
i am a person without confidence
i stopped having expectations
cox i am afraid of falling behind them
i stopped dreaming
cox my dreams nv come true
i stopped trying
cox theres no motivations for me to go on
i stopped desiring
cox everything that i want is eons away from me

my life is a mixture of 'welcome to my life', 'run away', 'endless sorrows'

as sad as i am
i still wanna congratx my hubby
who finally got his license in 1 month :) i feel happy for you :D

kaes..now i can jux go back to my lil corner and sob to sleep >.<

*imissyou*
xoxo, Amber ♥
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